My stand-up comedy debut!
At Momma Goldberg’s on the square in beautiful downtown Troy …
Author’s note: While I’m committed to posting “almost every day,” I decided to take a holiday from writing new stories today.
(Anyone here a Steely Dan fan? Remember their great rocker, “When Black Friday comes …” Well, when Black Friday comes, I’m not writing any new material.)
However, I did find a piece I wrote a couple of months ago that I’ve been eager to try out with an audience.
It’s a family joke that, one day, I’m going to give up being an important, world-saving journalist and try my hand at stand-up comedy.
It occurred to me I could probably talk the manager of Momma Goldberg’s into giving me 15 minutes on their little stage to try out my material.
I actually wrote a quick routine a couple of months ago, but haven’t shared it with anyone. Since many of my jokes (or, if they’re not funny, stories) make local references, I decided to go ahead and post this today.
My wife is terrified I’m really going to do this … but I’m just joking. Still, If I did perform at a local “Open Mike Night” this might be my routine ….
“Ladies and gentlemen, Give it up for Bill Rice, Jr.”
Hello, everybody. I’m Bill Rice … I can’t tell you how much I appreciate you coming out to support my world-wide debut on the stand-up comedy circuit.
… Just a house-keeping suggestion to start … please save your tickets so you can tell your grandchildren you were there when Bill Rice burst onto the comedy scene … at a history-changing gig at Momma Golderg’s on the square in beautiful Downtown Troy!
I also want to tell everyone, don’t forget to tip your bartender - especially if he happens to (Here I start singing) “gets you your drinks for free … or … “is quick with a joke, or to light up your smoke … Because, man, there’s some place he’d rather be.”
… All right, That’s my very first joke - An ode to the Piano Man.
(The joke is that I have the world’s worst singing voice, but I’m going to go “all-in” anyway).
A quick show of hands: Is anyone else here a fan of the music of Billy Joel?
Good deal … My first audience has impeccable taste in music, which might be a good sign for the next 15 or so minutes.
Like me, my fellow Billy Joel fans know that Billy Joel didn’t start that fire … (me singing again): “it’s always been burning since the world’s been turning.”
This is so true … and it took MTV to remind many of us of this truism.
… Everyone remember when we all wanted our MTV?
I was only 13, but I remember telling Harold Freeman, the owner of Troy Cablevision, “Harold, I want my dang M-TV.”
And Mr. Freeman got it for me.
For the young people here … let that be your first lesson from my new stand-up comedy career: “The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
… I remember when I got my very first Billy Joel album. It was 1977 and my grandmother bought it for me at the K-Mart in Troy. It was Billy’s breakthrough album, “The Stranger.” I think it cost $7.
I’m not even sure it was a K-mart; it might have been one of Troy’s first big box stores, Special K? - or - I don’t know - maybe I’m thinking of the cereal … - I remember it was some building that later became Troy’s first Wal-Mart. There’s a hotel there now.
I remember they sold a lot of records …. and toys … so this was definitely a place you wanted your grandmother to take you.
I wore out that album … that’s where I learned that “Catholic girls start much too late.” This was great info … except I didn’t know hardly any Catholic girls … since only about 100 people in town went to the Catholic church (and probably only one or two attended Charles Henderson Middle School.)
What I really wanted to know was: “What about Baptist girls?” 75 percent of the town went to Baptist churches. If I could impress a few Baptist Girls, I’d be set in Troy.
As some of you might remember … while my parents grew up in Troy, our family moved around for many years before my parents decided to move back to Troy when I was in 7th grade.
That was the best decision my parents ever made because Troy is a great place to grow up.
Even before we moved to Troy, we visited often as both sets of my grandparents lived here.
As a small kid, I remember eating at the Riverside Cafe, which was the only restaurant on the Square in the early 1970s.
After we’d eaten at the Riverside, my two brothers and I would go play on that confederate statue that’s still there today. In fact, my kids have grown up playing on that very same statue. After I get some Momma’s Love - and Maggie and Jack get their turkey sandwiches - it’s off to the statue we go.
…. I can tell you a funny story about the Riverside Cafe. My late mother, Marcia Chapman Rice, attended Florida State for a year after she graduated from Troy High School in 1958.
One night she called home from Tallahassee. In 1958, everyone had a phone number of just three digits and you had to call the phone company switchboard operators, who would connect you to your number.
As I’ve been told, the operators in Troy worked in a two-story building right next to the Riverside Cafe. This reminds me of Mayberry where the operator knew everybody in town.
Mom said, “Hey Mrs. Smith, this is Marcia Chapman can you connect me to 374?”
“Oh, hey Marcia,” said Mrs. Smith. “I don’t have to connect you, I just saw them walk into the Riverside. I’ll call them there.”
Anybody here familiar with the music of Bob Dylan? “The times - they are a changing.” Dylan is a brilliant poet, but he’s still not in the league with Billy Joel in my opinion.
But everything hasn’t changed …The statue is still there. Kids still play on it … but maybe Dylan was right because we now have about five restaurants on the Square. (But only one that offers open mike night to fledgling stand-up comedians).
… Speaking of Momma Goldberg’s, Jack and Maggie always get the turkey sandwiches. But what Jack really wants is the pickles Mama puts on the side of the dishes.
This is because nobody loves pickles more than Jack Rice.
In fact, several years ago, I gave Jack a nickname. I call him “Pickle Jack McCoy” - Just because he loves pickles so much and that nickname has such a cool ring to it.
Jack seems to like his nickname, but it’s just one of those family pet nicknames. That is, his buddies don’t call him “Pickle Jack McCoy” (although this might change when the video of this gig goes viral on YouTube.)
When my parents were growing up, a lot more people seem to have had nicknames. Here, I’m talking about nicknames where most people don’t even know the person’s real name.
My Mom once wrote a column for my weekly newspaper, The Troy Citizen, where she listed all the nicknames of well-known Pike Countians.
For example, Does anyone here know Dr. Tip Colley’s real name? Or Boy Motes? Or Baba Hendricks, or Brother Chapman or “Toot” Green or even legendary baseball coach, Chase Riddle? Apparently, Chase Riddle’s real name was not Chase.
Mom listed about 100 people in her column, which she broke down by categories like animals, colors, verbs, etc.
… I don’t know where I’m going with this nickname riff, but isn’t this interesting? Today, not nearly as many people are known by their nickname only. Something changed and cutting edge stand-up comedians pick up on this stuff.
I can think of one well-known person who is known only by his nickname - Clemson football coach Dabo Sweeney.
Nobody knows Dabo’s real name, which he tells us came from his brother who kept calling him “Dat boy” - Dabbo - when he was little.
… You never know if a nickname’s going to stick or not
When I was in junior high at CHMS, the nickname of one of my best-friends stuck. I played on the football team with classmates Gary Rumph and Steve Barras.
Steve was always telling stories and one day in the locker room, he was telling a story about his father and he accidentally said, “she did this.”
Rumph immediately replied: “What you got, boy, a “She-Daddy?”
The rest, as they say, is history. From that point forward, Steve became She-Daddy, which was sometimes shortened to just “She” or “She Pup” or, my favorite (singing): “She Daddy, She Daddy, She Daddy.”
Of course, Rumph - who was also quite a character - shouldn’t have gotten too snarky as he later got his own nickname - “Tick.” … Apparently, in yet another football locker room, a teammate saw a big tick crawling around on Rumph’s afro - Rumph was now “Tick.”
In 2024, I wonder if most teenagers would be okay being called “She Daddy?” Probably so with this stupid pronoun thing.
… I got to admit, when I got booked for my first big comedy gig, I wasn’t sure if I should do political humor or not. I’m still not sure. I mean what if I get cancelled after my first and only stand-up routine because I told my She-Daddy story?
Maybe I could tell the Tick story, but perhaps, in our “New Normal” times, you don’t need to go too far with this comedy stuff.
Another show of hands: What’s everybody think? Should I lay off the political humor or sprinkle some risky material in … just for a little comedy change-of-pace?
… Thank you for that feedback. As you’ve probably figured out, this side-gig is a work-in progress.
Who knows? One day I might be performing at The Improv in Los Angeles or even have my own two-hour special on HBO.
If that happens, I’m going to be sure to tell my audience about my stand-up comedy roots here at Momma Goldberg’s on the square in beautiful downtown Troy.
I’ll tell my fans, “You know this all started with 18 diners at a great deli in my little hometown of Troy, Alabama. I’ll never forget the feedback that audience gave me:
“Bill,” they said, “go ahead and tell the jokes you want to tell.”
… Not only that, after I finished my first routine, they all “put bread in my jar and said (here I go singing again): “Man, what are you doing here?”
My 15 minutes is going by rapidly …
I could go on and on, but since I’m a novice and don’t know what the heck I’m doing, I should probably stop here.
I didn’t even get to my A material, which I’m still refining in front of my bathroom mirror.
I can tell everyone that I’ve already booked my second gig. I’m going to work a birthday party for one of Jack’s 3rd Grade friends at Good Times.
When the kids are done bowling and playing on the arcades - and are eating their cheese pizzas, I’m going to give them about 15 minutes of child-appropriate humor.
I’m definitely going to lay off the political humor on that one. No jokes about Cackling Kamala Harris and definitely nothing about MAGA or (exaggerated finger quotes) our “president,” Joe Biden.
I’ll just tell some jokes about B’rer Rabbit or I guess whatever the funny Tik Tok memes are for the third grade market.
… My great hope - at least while I’m finding my footing - is that I don’t encounter the scourge of the stand-up comedian - the heckler.
It’s tough enough getting up on stage and talking to a crowd if you’re talking about the macro economy or your favorite football team. Throw in the belligerent heckler and I might just have to “hang it up.”
*** (Feel free to share with friends who enjoy going to comedy clubs) ***
Trying to produce a little spirit …
Which reminds me, Maggie, my 7th grader, just became a cheerleader for the middle school cheerleading squad. So I’m learning all the new cheers.
But I keep telling Maggie the squad ought to bring back some of the Golden Oldie cheers I loved so much growing up.
Like “Icky, Icky, Doo Da. What are they talking about? Mighty, mighty Trojans - gonna beat the Bulldogs - ooo, get down, ooo, ooo get down.” (I get down why I do this cheer).
And another one I remember with fondness:
“Ain’t got no bread (no bread). Ain’t got no meat (no meat). All we got (all we got) - is that Trojan beat. If you can’t do it (if you can’t do it) - just like you should (just like you should) - just hang it up … Just hang it up.”
Whoever wrote those classic cheers were poets and they didn’t even know it.
Anyway, it’s too soon to tell. I guess I won’t hang it up yet. And we do got some bread and wheat - because we’re right here at Momma Goldberg’s!
Please don’t forget to tip your sandwich makers … and thank you so much for humoring me as I start this exciting new chapter of my life.
“Go Trojans” … and, oh yeah, “Power to the People!” (Inside joke).
***
(My Substack tip jar) …
Best not give up your day job Bill 🥴
Barbara Tatom tells me the Big Box store where KaKa bought me the Billy Joel "Stranger" album was Big K. Whatever happened to Big K? ... it was "big" at one time. I guess Wal-Mart got bigger.