First ‘test run’ of The Troy Citizen
I threw in a column (which won’t save the world) and added some photos from Thursday’s “Haunted Hill” event.
Author’s note: I pledged to send out my first Troy Citizen story this weekend. The first story proper is going to be on “Haunted Hill” - the wonderful Halloween event hosted by Troy University’s sororities.
Alas, the interviews sources I need weren’t available yesterday. That story will come Monday or Tuesday. (I did add some cute photos from Thursday night’s event at the bottom of this email dispatch).
As a test run for the on-line Troy Citizen, I decided to include my first “Bill Rice, Jr” column. As you can tell with this one, I don’t always try to “save the world” with my opinion columns.
Troy Citizen update: I already have more than 110 subscribers - about 25 percent of which are “paid.” My announcement column generated more than 1,000 page views - not shabby for one Facebook post.
I am flattered and grateful for this early show of support. The real feature stories will start coming this week - Bill.
***
Why did the chicken cross the road?
… Is this one of those urban legends? I’ve actually never seen a chicken cross the road.
By BILL RICE, JR.
Our family recently had chicken spaghetti for supper.
Carrie, Maggie, 13, Jack, 8 and I actually all sat down and ate together at the kitchen table (just like Wally, Beaver and the Cleavers used to do.)
While we enjoyed the Pioneer Woman’s recipe, Jack entertained us with a couple of 3rd-grade jokes about “Why did the chicken cross the road?”
The thought suddenly occurred to me that, in my entire life, I’ve never once seen a chicken cross any road. I immediately shared this observation with the family.
“Maybe this is just some kind of urban legend … or one of those dubious narratives like people seeing Big Foot or ‘Joe Biden is as sharp as a tack,’ “ I offered.
This comment was met by blank stares from the kids and an eye-roll from Carrie.
Still, the family humored me and I thought this was a better dinner conversation topic than my latest vent on football referees who can’t keep their flags in their pockets.
***
It’s also a family joke that one day I’m going to give up my day job as freelance Substack author and become a stand-up comedian. I’ll specialize in improvisational comedy.
“Man walks into a bar,” I started. “The man’s already had one too many and he starts hitting on the woman on the bar stool next to him.
“Turns out he was talking to the wife of a jealous man. After he gets his butt kicked and gets thrown out of the bar, he ends up lying, dazed and bloody, next to the curb. He looks up and there in the haze he sees … a chicken crossing the road …
“It turns out this is the first time he’s ever seen this and - right there in the gutter - the man resolves to give up drinking …”
My routine earned three thumbs downs, but I was serious that I’ve never seen a chicken actually cross any road.
While driving, I’ve seen plenty of black cats cross right in front of me. (This might explain why I’m not yet a rich-and-famous Substack author.)
I’ve seen squirrels try to cross the road only to meet a sudden and sad end to their furry lives. (A better question might be: “Why did the squirrel try to cross the road?”)
In the last few years, I’ve seen far more deer dash across the road, which makes me think that there’s not as many hunters hunting big bucks as there used to be.
“People are cutting back on hunting as an inflation work-around,” I explained to my family, a theory which didn’t impress them either.
I believe I’m right about this too because I sometime go onto the back porch for coffee breaks when I’m writing Substack columns. I see families of deer all the time right there in our back yard. It’s almost like they’re pets by now.
“How are you doing, Ms. Deer,” I’ll say. The Mama deer will just look up, make eye contact and go right back to eating our grass, which doesn’t bother me because the grass needs cutting.
But I’m deadly serious when I say I’ve never seen one chicken cross the road.
Still, I admit this could have happened somewhere at some place in some time.
True Chicken Stories …
Maggie, our 7th grader, shared two anecdotes that might prove this theory.
In recent months, a Troy family has paid my wife to pet sit their dog when the family goes out of town.
I’ve never met Rex, but I learned that when Carrie and Maggie feed Rex his Alpo and take him for a walk that they also go in the back yard and feed this family’s chickens.
Yes, this family has a pen with actual chickens in it. Not out in the country, but in the city limits. Apparently, chickens eat chicken feed.
(Memo to self: Write a future story for The Troy Citizen on why more families seem to be raising chickens in their back yards. Also: What’s up with all these domesticated deer?)
And this isn’t the only family in Troy with chickens. Maggie recently attended a spend-the-night party and her friend had “pet chickens.” Apparently, these chickens will never become chicken nuggets at McDonald’s … they just lay eggs.
Absorbing these stories, I realized it’s entirely possible any of these Troy chickens could have escaped their pens. If they did this, they’d probably just start walking. It’s very possible they could walk right across a road in my very own town.
But we still don’t have an answer to the age-old question …
But, again, I’ve never personally seen this happen. And even this hypothetical wouldn’t answer the age-old question of why the chicken crossed the road.
My take is that chickens are probably as dumb as rocks (or cows). They’d have no idea why they walked across the road.
… When you don’t know an answer in 2024, you ask Alexa (who, I guess, lives in your device). Alexa said the answer is “to get to the other side,” but I suspect this is Artificial Intelligence claptrap because the chicken doesn’t even know it’s on a road.
Once a chicken starts moving in one direction, it’s just going to keep going - unless it just got its head cut off and then it’s going to be running around in all directions wondering what the heck just happened to him.
Carrie: “Bill!”
I guess I wasn’t supposed to upset the children at the dinner table by talking about chickens who get their heads cut off.
Me: “Well, how do you think we got this delicious chicken spaghetti?”
Jack actually laughed.
“You ought to write a story about this on Substack,” said Jack.
Maggie: “I bet you won’t.”
Me: “How much you want to bet?”
Maggie: “Three dollars.”
Talk about sucker bets. What did she think? That her old Pappy was chicken?
I won’t actually make Maggie pay me $3. Maybe she’ll clean up her room as payment.
*** (Thank you very much to everyone who shares Troy Citizen articles with others via social media or your email contacts. This will allow many more people to see the stories to come.) ***
Photos from the Panhellenic “Haunted Hill”
The popular annual event took place Thursday Night at Troy University’s “Sorority Hill.” (Photos by Bill Rice, Jr.)
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I’m enjoying your new Stack with its hometown/family-dinner-table-conversation flavor. It’s refreshing.
Every day, on my way home from work, I pass a small farm that is on one corner of a four way stop. Fair amount of traffic, but never really busy.
They have a flock of chickens that roam free. These chickens do, in fact, cross the road. I’ve driven through and seen them scattered on all four sides of the intersection.
If I have a chance I will try to get a photo/video next time I see them crossing.